Tuesday, July 31, 2001

T minus 8 days and waiting

My weight was up 3 more lbs this morning (actually during day yesterday), so I called my RE's office. I'm going in to have some blood drawn and have the nurse see me to see if she thinks I'm dehydrated. I don't think I am, but I did notice that yesterday's liquid output quantity didn't seem like what it should have considering my liquid intake. Several weeks ago an email girlfriend mentioned drinking Gatorade instead of just water to help prevent dehydration, so I started doing that last night.

Monday, July 30, 2001

T minus 9 days and waiting

One of the things that I'm supposed to be doing now is weighing myself every day to keep an eye out for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). In it's mild form, it is fairly common since we hyperstimulated the ovaries on purpose. And in it's severe and dangerous form is it fairly rare. One sign is rapid weight gain (4-5 lbs in a day) due to fluid in the abdomen. I was up 2 lbs this morning, but I think that's because I ate a lot yesterday and didn't drink as much water. (That normal fluctuation is why weight loss programs do not recommend weighing yourself daily.) I was surprised to see in the u/s during the transfer that my ovaries are still really big and look like they have many follicles or cysts. I do feel full or bloated most of the time, and my pants are tight in the belly.

After my transfer, I stayed laying down on the bed/table for 30 minutes. Now I am free to do any activities I want (except sex / orgasm for 3 days, and horseback riding). Some RE's order bedrest, but my nurse said just to not do anything for the next two weeks that would cause me to berate myself and ask "what if I hadn't done thus and such?" if we end up not being pregnant. I think that's pretty reasonable advice.

Sunday, July 29, 2001

T minus 10 days and waiting

Things will probably be pretty boring here for a while. I'm now officially in what my email girlfriends call "the two week wait" (2WW). Usually ovulation occurs 14 days before the start of a woman's period, so the 2 weeks after ovulation, or after IUI, or in my case, after retrieval, when we wait impatiently to find out if we are pregnant, are called the 2WW. Fortunately for IVF patients, the 2WW starts on retrieval day, since retrieval and IVF take the place of ovulation and "natural" fertilization. So by the time I had my transfer yesterday and got my 3 embryos, my 2WW is 1/4 over already. Yippee! Only 10 days to go.

Saturday, July 28, 2001

Transfer Day

I had my transfer this afternoon. After some discussion with the RE, we decided on transferring 3 instead of just 2. We really don't want triplets, but decided to go with the standard protocol for my age, which is the biggest factor at this point, which is 3.

We transferred 3 grade A 8 cell embryos, and froze 7 ranging from 8 cell grade b and 6 cell grade a and b to 4 cell grade a and b.

I just had my first progesterone in oil shot, it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected, but my DH did comment several times about how thick it was.

Friday, July 27, 2001

Grow, Embryos, Grow! Day before Transfer.

It's just a waiting game today. No shots, only 3 pills (well, 6 if you count the prenatal vitamin I have been taking for months and months and my 2 blood pressure pills).

I'm feeling much better today. I still feel some twinges in my lower abdomen when I stand up or twist, but I haven't taken any tylenol at all today. The past 2 nights I have woken up very sweaty around 5 am. I guess that is my body's version of hot flashes from the hcg shot and other high hormone levels.

My DH and I have been discussing whether to only transfer 2 embryos instead of 3 tomorrow. We really don't want triplets. The odds of having triplets are slim, and we trust God to get us through whatever the outcome is, whether it's 1 (preferred), 2 (scary but okay), 3 (almost terrifying) or even 0 kids. We probably won't make a decision until talking with our RE right before the procedure tomorrow.

Thursday, July 26, 2001

Fertilization Report Day

Of the 17 eggs retrieved, 14 were successfully injected with sperm (ICSI), 10 of those fertilized, 3 did not fertilize, and 1 is polyploid.

The nurse didn't say what polyploid was, except that they do not transfer them. So, being the industrious internet surfer that I am, I did a search on Google and found the word in The Dictionary of Difficult Words. I also found more information in The Hutchinson Family Encyclopedia. Basically, it means many (poly) chromosomes (ploid). Diploid is normal for humans - 2 sets of chromosomes. Haploid is what each egg and sperm has - 1 set each. And polyploid is more than 2 sets, which is not good and probably would not develop into a pregnancy anyway.

So 10 is good! I have been hoping for half making it from one step to the next, so we're doing far better than that. Transfer is Saturday at 2pm.

Wednesday, July 25, 2001

Retrieval Day

17 eggs were retrieved this morning by my doctor. We'll find out tomorrow how many of them fertilized and when to expect the transfer. I'm feeling pretty good now... after I got home I slept for about 3 hours. I may post more details of the morning when I feel like sitting at the computer for a longer time. Our pastor came to pray with us before the procedure started... that was very nice!

Tuesday, July 24, 2001

Oh, one other thing, Pidge has linked my blog on hers. Take a peek at Slobby Bloggy
My plan for this evening and tomorrow:
1. Enjoy not having a shot this evening.
2. Make sure to eat something fairly late so I won't be famished tomorrow.
3. Go to bed sometime before midnight.
4. Eat and drink nothing after midnight.
5. Get up around 6:30 or 7, so my DH can eat something before we leave around 7:30.
6. Check-in at the surgery center by 8:00 am.
7. Retrieval is scheduled for 9.
8. I should be out of there by noon. We can leave as soon as I can walk down the hall, eat something, and urinate.
9. Get some food on the way home.
10. Have by DH wait on me hand and foot for the rest of the day. :-)
Good news... my protocol has been changed so my progesterone shots don't start until transfer day instead of retrieval day. That means 4 days with no shots! Yippee!
No shots today! Day 60 of IVF Prep, "Day before retrieval", Cycle day 14.

My hcg shot last night felt about the same as the other IM shots, but we gave it in the gluteal muscles instead of the deltoid. It took quite a bit longer for the medicine powder to disolve than the other meds did. That's not surprising, considering that it was 10,000iu instead of 75iu. It did finally all disolve and the liquid was clear, so I leaned on the edge of the sink to take my weight off the muscle and my DH gave me the shot.

Monday, July 23, 2001

Retrieval is scheduled for 9:00 Wednesday!

I take my hcg shot tonight, then no shots tomorrow! I can't believe this is actually happening!
Stimulation day 10, Day 59 of IVF Prep, Cycle day 13.

Today's scan was pretty much as expected. Follicles are growing nicely. The nurse thinks we will stop today, have my hcg trigger shot tonight, and do the retrieval on Wednesday. I'll know this afternoon.

Left: 21, 20, 18, 17, 17, 16, 16, 16, 15, 15, 14
Right: 20, 20, 19, 19, 19, 19, 18, 17, 17, 17, 17, 16
Endometrium: 15

Sunday, July 22, 2001

I'm hungry... I've noticed the past few days that when eating a meal I get full much more quickly than usual. But I get hungry sooner, too. I guess it's because there isn't as much space in my abdomen for my stomach to expand as there used to be, with each ovary being about the size of a dozen marbles stuck together. It's a very strange sensation to feel full but still be hungry.

I'm very tired, too... I even took a 2 hour nap this afternoon. So, those are my side effects, minor bloating that causes me to eat less at one sitting, and fatigue. Not too bad, if you ask me!
Stimulation day 9, Day 58 of IVF Prep, Cycle day 12.

Still going...

22 follicles were measured, 11 on each ovary. When I asked to see the snapshot of the u/s that had all of the follicle measurements on it, the nurse (a different one than last time) was reluctant. She wanted to make sure that I understood that we won't get an egg from every follicle and that I shouldn't get hung up on the numbers. I assured her that I understood and that I was just curious about the numbers. Here they are:
Left: 20, 19, 17, 17, 16, 16, 15, 14, 15 13, 12
Right: 20, 19, 19, 18, 18, 17, 17, 16, 16, 15, 14

She said that they like to see them 18-20 to be considered "mature". There are at least 7 that ought to produce eggs for sure, and the next 8 may mature enough by the time retrieval comes around. My E2 is 2070, almost double 2 days ago. My instructions are "one more day". This evening I had another dose of repronex, and I'll take both lupron and follistim in the morning, then go in for testing again.

It is getting so close! And I am starting to get a bit nervous / anxious / exited, finally.

Saturday, July 21, 2001

Stimulation day 8, Day 57 of IVF Prep, Cycle day 11.

I slept 11 hours last night. I guess I was pretty tired. I usually sleep late on the weekends, but not 11 hours. I conked out while watching tv, not too long after the 10 o'clock news started. I was tired enough to have gone to bed around 7, but not smart enough, I guess.

I went outside barefoot yesterday evening and stepped on something and now have a sticker or splinter-like foreign body in the ball of my foot. Usually that wouldn't faze me, but the first thing I thought (besides "ouch") was that I hope it doesn't get infected. We tried to get it out this morning, but it's broken off below the surface, so I'm trying to keep it protected and somewhat soft so maybe the splinter will work its way out before it gets inflamed.

Friday, July 20, 2001

Everything is going well, my test results are just as expected, but I am neither excited nor nervous. My retrieval is most likely less than a week away. I am nonplussed. Why am I not worried or anxious to excited or something?

Oh, I got my pap results back today. "Normal". That's nice to know.
The follicles are measured in millimeters in 2 dimensions. When doing the u/s the focal point of the picture changes and the follicles move in and out of view. When the oval cross-section in view looks the largest, they mark it on the computer screen. The computer measures the 2 dimensions and averages them to come up with the follicle's "size". So my 5 largest follicles that measure 14 are about the size of a small marble, but a little oblong instead of round.

One of my cycle buddies has an E2 of over 3000. She's on the same day as me, and they are cutting back on her stimulation medicine for the second time. I hope she doesn't end up hyperstimulating and having her IVF cancelled. She started out on 6 amps (450iu) and is now cut back to 1 amp (75iu). It's amazing to me how differently every person responds to the medications.
My Estradiol (E2) is 1097. The nurse said "a whopping 1097" so that must be on the high side, but it sounded good. My medicines will stay the same for today and tomorrow and Sunday morning, then I'll go in for another check Sunday morning and wait for further instructions. One of the gals on AdvancedHope thinks I'll have my hCG trigger shot on Monday and have a Wednesday retrieval. We'll see how accurate she is!

Oh, I've also noticed that I'm producing quite a lot of mucus right now. I don't remember anyone on my email lists mentioning that, so I guess I'll bring it up.
It's working! Stimulation day 7, Day 56 of IVF Prep, Cycle day 10.

I just got back from my u/s and the stimulation drugs are doing their job. I have 14 follicles that the nurse measured, and at least 6 smaller ones. My endometrium (uterus lining) is 11 mm thick.
Left: 14, 12, 12, 12, 11, 11, and 2 at ~10
Right: 14, 14, 14, 14, 13, 12, 12, 11, and 4 at ~ 8
I'll get instructions on medicine dosage and my next u/s and b/w by this afternoon.
Yippee!

Thursday, July 19, 2001

I'm feeling pretty "blah" today. I would have expected either excitement or nervousness about tomorrow's tests, but they don't seem like that big of a deal to me. I'm kind of tired, but it's difficult for me to blame that on the possible fatigue side-effect since I stay up much to late at night.
Stimulation Day 6, Day 56 of IVF Prep, Cycle day 9.

Tomorrow is my first check to see how the stimulation drugs are doing. I will have an ultrasound and a blood draw around 8 in the morning, and by noon I'll know what the plan is for the next few days.

Wednesday, July 18, 2001

Stimulation Day 5, Day 55 of IVF Prep, Cycle day 8.

I'm going to another funeral this morning. That makes 3 this month (in 2 1/2 weeks). The last one was for an older gentleman at my church whom I didn't really know very closely. This one is for a friend I haven't seen in several years, but we were very close for several years 8-12 years ago. I knew he was very ill the past couple of years, but I couldn't bring myself to visit him. That makes me sad. But, I did the best that I could do at the time, so I don't feel guilty about it, just sad.

Tuesday, July 17, 2001

A piece of wisdom from a woman who has been through IVF treatment before: [The blood draw] "Bruised like crazy. That happens more easily the higher your estradiol levels go for all you first timers." I've also been warned to take tylenol before the u/s checks because they start getting more uncomfortable the bigger your ovaries and follicles get. Thanks for the warnings, ladies!
Stimulation Day 4, Day 54 of IVF Prep, Cycle day 7.

Things are going fine, right on schedule, and fortunately I haven't had most of the side effects that other women experience. They only things I have noticed are my sore arms, but my trick of moving my arm around a lot after the shot last night really helped.

Monday, July 16, 2001

Stimulation Day 3, Day 53 of IVF Prep, Cycle day 6.

A lot of people describe IF treatment as a rollercoaster ride. Usually I think they are referring to the emotional ups and downs of hope and disappointment or the mood swings caused by the hormones, but today the thoughts running through my mind are more like the thoughts when you are approaching the top of the big hill or just about to start the 3 consecutive loops on a rollercoaster: why did I get on this thing? I like rollercoasters a lot; they are exhilarating and scary and exciting all at the same time, maybe that's why I like them. You are glad you are there but also wishing you were safe on the ground where it may be boring but at least you knew what was happening. IF treatment is a rollercoaster ride, in more ways than I had originally thought.

Sunday, July 15, 2001

Cool... I got mentioned in someone else's web journal. Look at her July 14 entry in clix.to/khakismum. IF is a lot more common than most people think, and there are no easy answers medically, ethically, or spiritually.
Stimulation Day 2, Day 52 of IVF Prep, Cycle day 5

Yesterday evening I noticed that my right deltoid muscle (where the IM shot was given) was pretty sore. This morning it felt like I had been punched in the arm. By this evening it is only a little sore. Immediately after the second IM shot (in the other arm) this evening, I massaged the area for a couple of minutes then moved my arm around a lot to keep the muscle moving. The left arm (today's) feels about the same as the right arm (yesterday's), so I would recommend lots of movement right after the shot to get the medicine absorbed instead of letting it stay in the injection area.

We told one more person today. I'm still amazed at how supportive everyone is when we tell them. My brother and SIL didn't realize that we are doing IVF until yesterday when we told them exactly what the shots were for. I'm starting to recognize what a good support system we have. There aren't a lot of people that we want to share something this personal with, but they are all being so supportive that it sure feels good to know they are praying for us and will help out however they can.

Saturday, July 14, 2001

He did great! My IM shot that my DH did this evening hurt even less than the subq shot that I gave myself this morning. I barely felt the needle break the skin and couldn't even tell when he was pushing the plunger to inject the medicine and when he finished. My SIL was a great encourager and gave us a couple of pointers on finding a good spot on the arm for the shot. We are both relieved that it went so well!
Stimulation Day 1, Day 51 of IVF Prep, Cycle day 4

Yesterday's entry seems pretty harsh toward my RE's office and the pharmacy. I really was annoyed at the changes and prescription mistakes at first. Now I'm not so mad. Both the pharmacy and the RE's office were quick to correct the error or discrepancy, and they were also both very professional about everything. I'm really happy with the service and care that I am receiving. But my moral is still true, take responsibility for your own treatment -- know what medicines you should be getting and what treatment protocols you have been told -- ask questions.

I've had sore muscles in my neck and upper back for the past 2 days. I'm fighting a headache pretty much all of the time, too. I guess I am finally starting to have a few side effects from taking the lupron for 11 days. My first Follistim shot went fine this morning. I've used that medicine before, but in 4 months I had forgotten how hard you have to push the plunger to get 1 cc of medicine to go in (compared to 1/10 cc (10 iu) of lupron). This evening's shot will be the first one IM. We are going over to my brother's house so by DH can have some encouragement / help with the first one.

Friday, July 13, 2001

Article: Transcript from 3 Day vs Blastocycst Transfer
I am definitely more of a diarist than a blogger, but by posting this entry, I cross the blurry line. diarist.net | guide | preflight | journal vs. weblog
Day 50 of IVF Prep

Cycle day 3, lupron day 10.

My uterus lining looked "picture perfect" according to the nurse doing the ultrasound. So barring unexpected blood test results later this morning, I will be starting the stimulation drugs tomorrow morning!

Here's a word of warning to everyone, always question inconsistencies at a doctor's office and pharmacy (even if not related to infertility).

Example 1: My original prescription included "Gonal-F 75 IU or Follistim 75 IU" with the doctor's signature on the "Product Selection Permitted" line. My pharmacy had sent me Follistim in the past, this time, with a quantity of 20, I was sent Gonal-F, which cost $5 more per unit. I called the pharmacy, they checked with the doctor, and sent me the other drug and I sent back the wrong one. I have not seen the $100 credit on my credit card yet, but I won't forget it.

Example 2: In the IVF training class, we were taught about giving IM shots in the buttocks and the thigh was mentioned as a possible alternative spot. My instructions have "deltoid" hand written above the column with the Humegon/Repronex IM dosage. I asked about that today... I am supposed to take them in the deltoid (upper arm, right below the shoulder) "because we think that you will absorb the medication better". Because that was not mentioned, I bought 1 1/2" needles, a bit too long for the deltoid, so the nurse found some 1" needles and gave them to me. Now I have 15 extra 1 1/2" injection needles. Needles aren't expensive, but it's the principle of the thing -- when the prescription was sent that included the 1 1/2" needles, they knew they wanted me to have the shots in the arm.

Example 3: All of the information and my instruction sheets have included progesterone in oil shots from retrieval day until the pg test day, or possible longer, plus Medrol (methylprednisolone) tablets from retrieval until transfer if doing AZH. My prescription form did not have either of those medicines checked, so my pharmacy didn't send them. I asked about that today, too. Oops. So the RE's nurse faxed a corrected prescription form to my pharmacy. At least now I'll have a use for those 1 1/2" injection needles.

Example 4: which may just be part 2 of the prescription form mistake The needle disposal system (aka Sharps container) was not included either, so I have been putting my used needles in a plastic pop bottle, as I was told was okay about 4 months ago. Today I was told that that is not okay, so we added that to the revised prescription.

Moral: Stay on top of your own treatment!

Thursday, July 12, 2001

I just chatted with my chorus director. I told her wanted to not do some things for a month or two to reduce my stress, and instead of letting me off the hook, she came up with a couple of options for things hoping to make them less stressful but still having me participate fully in the chorus. I'll give them a try tonight, but I'm still not going to allow myself to get stressed out about chorus and learning music right now.
Day 49 of IVF Prep

Cycle day 2, lupron day 9.

Yesterday was actually a new "Cycle day 1", as expected within a few days of stopping BCP. I'm still very tired all of the time. I need to make myself go to bed earlier or at least take a brief nap in the early evening. Last night, I could have fallen asleep about 7 pm if I had let myself. I should have!

Wednesday, July 11, 2001

Day 48 of IVF Prep

Cycle day 21, lupron day 8.

I sure had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. Some possible side effects of lupron are both fatigue and insomnia. I don't have insomnia, but I do have some fatigue. Although it could just be because I stayed up way too late last night... or maybe I do have a touch of insomnia? I noticed that my appetite was lower than normal yesterday. I ate less than usual at both lunch and supper.

IVF Hints

Infertility FAQ for alt.infertility and misc.health.infertility newsgroups

Tuesday, July 10, 2001

I just got back from melting some plastic. $7480 total "down payment". We also turned in the consent forms and got them notarized: IVF, Cryopreservation, ICSI, and AZH.

Before I left, I told my supervisor that I'm doing an IVF attempt near the end of this month. He wouldn't have known about me taking off work for most of my lab appointments because he'll be on vacation, but I wanted to let him know anyway. He was excited for me and very supportive, which was not surprising because he's a great guy. Now there are 3 people at work who know what I'm doing, and one other that knows I'm TTC.
Day 47 of IVF Prep

Cycle day 20, lupron day 7.

I have a big red itchy welt on the outside of my thigh, about the size of my palm. It just showed up this morning. I've been rereading the online drug information for lupron and did find that 5% of patients get dermatitis. I also found this statement under Some Special Advice: You may experience hot flashes when using Lupron (leuprolide acetate) Injection. During the first few weeks of treatment you may experience increased bone pain, increased difficulty in urinating, and less commonly but most importantly, you may experience the onset or aggravation of nerve symptoms. In any of these events, discuss the symptoms with your doctor. (My emphasis). This is noteworthy because just yesterday I was talking with my PCP about my hands shaking. Hmmmm, I guess I should mention this to my RE's office.

Test-Tube Babies Show No Emotional Problems: Study

Kids Conceived by Sperm Injection Healthy, Normal

Monday, July 09, 2001

Day 46 of IVF Prep

Cycle day 19, lupron day 6.

It's getting so I have a hard time not thinking about ivf all of the time. On my way back from lunch I realized that I forgot to do something on Friday and/or over the weekend. I don't want to have to remember anything right now except taking my meds, being at my Dr. appointments, and showing up at work. I feel like I'm obsessed with reading my email, writing in my blog, reading websites and my RE's handbook, and planning, even though I've read everything several times already and have all my meds and appointments as planned as they can get at this point. And it is so hot outside that I can't even go for a walk to try to settle my mind.

Sunday, July 08, 2001

Day 45 of IVF Prep

Cycle day 18, BCP day 38 - all done!, lupron day 5.

I took my last BCP today. It's good to have that out of the way. I didn't really have much trouble, like some gals do, no nausea or anything like that, just some bloating the 2nd and 3rd week or so. Today's shots went fine, and I got a nice long nap this afternoon. I feel pretty well rested right now, which will make getting to bed at a decent hour tonight tough. If it's not one thing, it's another.

Saturday, July 07, 2001

Day 44 of IVF Prep

Cycle day 17, BCP day 37 (just 1 left), lupron day 4.

Tip for human pin cushions: after wiping the skin with alcohol, be sure to let it dry completely before giving the injection. The needle prick will sting less.

Friday, July 06, 2001

I'm got a headache today. I'm not sure if it's related to any of my medicines or just because I haven't gotten enough sleep lately. I guess it could be caffine withdrawal, too. I haven't had any today, and even though I have cut back since starting IF treatment, I usually have either 2 small or 1 large diet sodas a day.
I've added more info to my calendar, and I changed the units from ml to iu. Here's a little lesson in metric mesaurements: 1 cubic centimeter (cc) = 1 milliliter (ml) = 100 International Units (iu) if we're talking liquid. So this first series of lupron at .1ml is the same as 10 iu , and I could have written the second series as .05ml, but it's easier to read as 5 iu. And since the follistim and repronex are measured in iu I decided to switch, but they're actually different because the powder is 75 iu, then I add 1 ml sterile water to disolve it, then I put that in with the 2nd 75 iu of powder. It makes slightly over 1ml total for the injections. Okay, that's enough math and chemistry for the day, my brain hurts. :-)
Day 43 of IVF Prep

Cycle day 16, BCP day 36 (2 left), lupron day 3.

I'm not really nervous, yet, but I am starting to realize that it is definitely going to happen... THIS MONTH! I've told a couple of more people (one gal at work and one I sing with) and the "this month" part is what is amazing to me. Back in April when we decided to do this, July seemed so far away. Now I've started the shots and my first u/s check is only 1 week away.

I dropped one more responsibility last night... I'm trying to take good care of myself emotionally and physically and spiritually this month. My biggest problem is all the stress I put on myself about being responsible for things and taking on jobs. Last month I dropped being secretary of a group, and last night I dropped part of the secretary job of another group. Today or tomorrow I've got another thing to drop (at least temporarily). It feels really good to "take a load off".

Thursday, July 05, 2001

I just updated my template to include my schedule of medications and tests so far. Scroll down past the blog entries to see it. I'm trying to get some links to work with the different medicines within the calendar, too.
Day 42 of IVF Prep

Cycle day 15, BCP day 35 (only 3 left), Day 2 of lupron.

Yesterday's shots went okay. Tuesday evening we decided to take a road trip. It wasn't exactly a spontaneous trip because I had to take enough medicine and syringes for my shots, but since it probably was our last (or next to the last) chance for a getaway until after the transfer, we decided to take my medicine and go. So I did my morning shot in a hotel, my evening shot at my brother's, and this morning's at home right before leaving for work. This evenings will be away from home also. C'est la vie.

Monday, July 02, 2001

MORHOLOGICAL SCORING OF HUMAN EMBRYOS AND ITS RELEVANCE TO BLASTOCYST TRANSFER
The Fertility Center
Day 39 of IVF Prep

Cycle day 12, BCP day 33 (only 6 left), lupron shots start in 2 days.

I went to a funeral for a 4 year old boy yesterday. It was the first funeral I have attended for anyone under 16. He was killed in a car accident. His parents had done everything right, he was in his carseat, it was installed correctly, according to police the carseat did not fail, but the energy of a car going 50mph impacting their stopped car from behind was just too much. He and his 8 year old sister had been adopted from Russia 3 years ago when he was 15 months old (and weighed only 17 pounds). I started wondering if the risk of pain and heartache of having children is worth all of the pain and heartache of trying to have them in the first place. Life is so much simpler without kids, but my heart tells me that it is worth it and to keep trying, for now, at least.