Surrender

That's what it takes to care for an infant without going crazy. You have to surrender your schedule and your desires, and submit to the baby's needs. No more "getting lots of things done." No more spur of the moment lunches out. No more hours of television watching or 'net surfing. Fifteen minutes of quiet "adult time" is now a lot of time. It's a big adjustment. It's good once it's accepted as what is needed at this time.

Doing the grocery shopping together is great. Being the one to do the shopping while the other one stays home with the baby is sometimes even better. I now understand my mother so much better! Too bad she's not around for me to tell her that. Tomorrow will be the 4th anniversary of her death. Sometimes I really miss her a lot!

Time flies!

One year ago today we had the egg retrieval for our IVF. Tonight I just finished putting my 3 month old son to sleep. Wow! In a way it doesn't seem like that long ago, but it also seems like a lifetime, DS's lifetime.

I don't get enough sleep. That's probably very common for new moms. Now that I am back to work, I don't get my naps. And after putting DS to bed, I stay up and watch the news or catch up on email or do a little (emphasis on little) housework. Sometimes DS will surprise me and sleep 5-6 hours in a row, but usually it is still 3-4 at night, and sometimes only 2-3 at a time.

I should go to bed now, but I need to get my clothes and breastpumps ready for tomorrow. I have 2, one Medela mini-electric that I use at home on one side before I go to work, after feeding DS on the other side. The other is an Avent ISIS manual that I take to work. It works just as fast and as well as the mini-electric, is quieter and more comfortable, and may even get let-down to come faster. By having 2, I don't have to wash one immediately after using it in the morning before going to work. I just rinse the milk out and wash it later in the evening.

He laughed!

DS laughed today! It definitely was a happy laugh, not just a noise that sounded like a laugh. I was holding him kind of funny and jiggled him from side to side, and he laughed. I wasn't sure at first, so I did it again, and he laughed again, and again, and again!

DH caught my cold (which I'm almost over), and we're not sure is DS is coming down with it or not. He is sneezing a few more times than usual, but doesn't really show any other symptoms.

Party!

Yesterday we went to a BBQ with the other couples in our Bradley childbirth class. It was great to get together with them and their babies! DS was the youngest, but he wasn't the smallest. The oldest, a girl, was smaller than him. She was born about 6 weeks early. Most of the time the mommies and daddies held the babies, but we did lay them all down on the floor (in order of appearance) for some pictures. It was cute to see them interacting a bit and to compare sizes. I suggested that we get together again, and one of the other moms suggested a playgroup. DH wondered if he could drop DS off at the playgroup and leave. I answered only if he were willing to have one of the others dropped off with him sometimes -- that's the difference between babysitting swapping and a playgroup.

I have a cold

I felt it start to come on Friday evening. By Saturday it was full-blown (no pun intended). My PCP's partner said anything except cold medicines with alcohol (like Nyquil) are okay when breastfeeding. That's nice, because Dayquil & 12-hour sudafed & Tylenol will do good enough. I'm really tired today, but the cold symptoms are pretty well under control. I just hope that the immune boosting qualities of breastmilk are good enough to keep DS from catching my cold. So far so good, we'll know in a couple of days for sure, though.

I'm not pregnant

Okay, that's no surprise, but I have bright red proof! I've read and been told that breastfeeding will often delay the return of a woman's period. No such luck for me. Actually 9 months without it was nice, but the lochia bleeding for several weeks after giving birth pretty much made up for that. My lochia was actually light and short, from what I've been told. Since my Dr. "cleaned me out" during the c-section, there was less bleeding afterward than had I delivered vaginally.

My first week back to work went okay. I didn't have as much angst about it as I thought I would. That's probably because I left DS home with DH instead of having to take him to a sitter or daycare. DH is doing better now, too. :-) I picked up all the enrollment paperwork from the Child Development Center (CDC) where I work yesterday. We plan to have DS start there when classes start in late August.

2nd day at work

DS came to work today for lunch. DH had an 11 o'clock appointment near where I work, so instead of me going home (across town), DH brought DS to me. I brought his stroller up to my office and he watched me work for a little while, then I fed him (my co-workers all happened to be conveniently gone to lunch). Shortly after DS finished eating, DH called because he finished early. So he picked us both up and we went out to lunch, then DH took DS back home. It was a nice break.

DS is sleeping in my arm as I type this, this evening. I came home for lunch and fed him. He and Dad were both fine. I was okay, too, but very glad to see, hold, and smell him!

I'm back at work

I left DS with DH this morning, and it wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. After feeding DS, I rolled over and told DH "I'm going to take my shower, he's all yours." Before coming out of the bathroom I heard crying. By the time I was ready to go, DS had a dry diaper and was gurgling and cooing in his crib happy.

I'm still trying to get a pumping location set up at work. We have a room with a lock now, but I couldn't find any electrical outlets. (It's a very large storage room with plenty of room for a nice chair, desk, pictures, etc., but it wasn't designed as a work space.) Instead of using my batteries, I went to the women's restroom. The pump works with batteries, just not a well, and the women's restroom is a one-seater so I locked the door and sat on the floor.

Last day off

Today is the last day of my maternity leave. I go back to work on Monday. I don't really want to go back, but I do feel better about it than I did a couple of weeks ago. DS will probably handle it the best of the three of us. DH is apprehensive, but he is doing a little better, I think, also.

I'm starting to get prepared to go back to work. I don't want to go, and it's not because I don't want to work... I don't want to be away from DS all day. I do plan to go home at lunchtime to see him (oh, and feed him, too), but I know that I'm going to miss him a lot. Yesterday I wrote a letter to DH encouraging him. He is apprehensive about caring for DS alone all day. I know they will be fine and DH will discover what works for them.

Here is part of the letter:

You are a wonderful husband and great father. I know you are apprehensive about caring for DS when I go back to work, and I want to use this letter to reassure you that you can do it, and that you will both be fine! You being here and loving him are what is most important.

Remember that taking care of him is a full-time job; don't expect to "get anything done". If all I do is hold him and feed him and change him all day, then I have succeeded; if I get dressed, eat breakfast and lunch approximately when I want, and go to the bathroom when I need to, then I have done well; if I shower, read email, watch the news (or any other program), empty the dishwasher, do a load of laundry, and/or get outside (even just to bring in the mail), then I have "accomplished" quite a lot; and if I run an errand or meet you for lunch, then I have had a full and amazing day! Perhaps you will be able to feel the same way.

We're back from vacation. It was great! DS didn't have any problems with the altitude, even above tree-line at the Alpine Visitor's Center in Rocky Mountain National Park.

Taking care of things when we got home took longer than usual because we had more things to unpack, and we had interruptions for feeding and diapering.

I go back to work next Monday, and I really don't want to leave DS! DH will be taking off work for several weeks, so DS won't be in childcare yet, but I still would rather be home with him myself.